Wish for happiness

I am married with 2 children. I hate my life. I wish my parents had pushed me harder whan I was at school so that I wouldn't be in the financial mess I am in now. I wish hadn't been so afraid of doing something I wanted instead of doing what I thought would make everyone else proud regardless of how I felt about it. I wish I could just walk out and leave my husband as I am no longer inlove with him, I don;t enjoy having sex with him but I do still partake as to not would leave him behaving like a teenager and being sulky and ignoring me, not talking to me etc etc. I spend too much of my life doing things to make it easier, instead of making waves. Although having said that I am occasionally meeting up with an old boyfriend who I still have very strong feelings for and having sex with him. I am too scared to leave in case the other guy doesn't want me in his life. I am too scared to leave as I have no money of my own to start up a fresh and I don't want my kids to be without things. But we are in such a financial mess at the moment it is hell. I wish I could win a small amount on the lottery and give half to my husband and then take the other half and start up a new life for myself and my kids. I even wish that my husband was violent as I wouldn't have trouble leaving him then, I also wish that he would die. I know they are all awful thoughts but I am desperately trying to find ways out of my current life that are guaranteed and not risky. My ultimate goal is to win £250,000 that would cure all of our money problems and I could start afresh with no worries - well alot fewer worries. My husband is a really nice person but we shouldn't have got married to each other. I want out of this life quickly.

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